Sometimes a memory pops up in my mind and I go, “Damn! I shouldn’t have done that.” Pangs of regret or self-loathing always creeps its way into my mind. Mostly what haunts me is how I have hurt some people, knowingly.
I am a weird creature. I love being with people, getting close to them and having fun. But when someone becomes too clingy, my mind kick-starts the detachment procedure. There have been times when certain people call me like all the time, everyday and won’t even hang up despite the many not-so-subtle hints I’ve dropped. The hinting is necessary, not because they are boring, but because I have the attention span the size of a teaspoon and also because I have a million other things to do before the next day.
I am very talkative and hyper in person. But there are a limited number of people with whom I can maintain a random conversation via phone, for a straight twenty minutes. I don’t know if it’s a disorder!
I feel bad for feeling so. I hate avoiding people, it makes me feel arrogant when I put myself in their shoes. I don’t want to make them feel bad or unwanted as they are basically wonderful souls. So I go along with the talking to be nice. Eventually, I would reach the limits of my patience when I realise that the number of calls aren’t going down over time. I slowly detach and move away.
This hurts them, obviously. They complain that I have changed or I have forgotten about them when I got new friends. This is really not true. I actually miss them and wish they were still my friends. But I know that I wouldn’t be able to be the friend they want me to be and I can’t fake it. Sometimes I chide myself that I shouldn’t have let this go on and should have snipped the roots when the typical signals were emitted first. But I hope. I keep hoping that this time it would be different.
I’m weird, I know. I pray for forgiveness, every night.
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